Danielle Llado discusses strategies for adults with autism to approach relationship-building.
Danielle Llado is a speech language pathologist and the Outreach and Development Coordinator for the Lark Center in Norwood, Mass. This series explores different topics related to finding the right supportive housing for your loved one with intellectual or developmental disabilities. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
When a young adult with autism moves into a supportive home with housemates, they may or may not feel comfortable socializing. Tell us why socialization is important to build a sense of community.
We first have to really honor that every individual is going to have a different approach to what type of relationship-building feels best for them. So, we can keep that in the back of our minds as we talk about some of these strategies. I would say a huge perk for being in a community is that you have this opportunity to build community with others that really get it—others that have a similar life experience to you that might also have the same priorities when it comes to relationship-building. It can be really nice to just have another person around that just really gets your experience. I would say that’s a huge benefit that we cannot overlook when it comes to a community like Mainstay.
What is an autonomous approach to relationship building?
When we think about building relationships, we can reflect back on some traditional strategies that someone might use to build a relationship or a friendship. And then we can really think of, is that what’s really authentic for this individual themselves? So, okay, you’re a young adult, you need to be going out at night with friends. You need to have at least four or five friends that you’re doing these things with. That might not be one person’s priority. That might feel really great to someone, but for another that could feel physically draining or painful. So as a community, fostering a place that you can really honor that natural variance is super important. I think that there’s a lot of pre-work that can happen to help an individual to discover what types of relationships are important for them. For example, is this someone that’s going to want to say, “Hey, do you want to come over and we can do a puzzle together tonight?” And that is a beautiful type of friendship and just as valid as, “Hey, do you want to go out to eat with a couple of friends tonight?” So really giving the power to this individual to have some autonomy and choice and what kind of relationships and how they go about building them.
Are there other coping strategies that adults with autism can adapt to help them through a challenging social situation?
I like to say that self-understanding is the first step to self-advocacy. If an individual is having a challenging time and they don’t know how to use a strategy in that moment, they might not even know when to use a strategy. Often times, with our neurodivergent populations, there’s a little bit of a disconnect. There’s some different wiring that makes a person think, “I know I’m anxious based on my body sensations,” versus, “I know it’s time for me to use a strategy because I’m feeling uncomfortable.” That’s when you can see these really fast escalations: “I need to get out of here, this panic, this frustration…” When we have an individual that is tuned in a little bit more and has had some help, again, this is something that might require some explicit coaching on, they can say, “Hey, I noticed that my shoulders are really tense, my throat is feeling really tense. That’s telling me that I’m feeling uncomfortable and I need to use a strategy.”
So really that self-understanding piece, if you have someone that’s having repeated challenging times in social settings, it can be really powerful to dial it back and explore what strategies work for you.
Say a house member is invited to participate in an outing or another kind of event. How can they plan ahead so when the time comes, they feel comfortable and confident?
Preview, preview, preview. Knowing the space that you’re walking into and having an understanding of what the event is going to be like, who might be there, even knowing what food options there are can help to decrease a lot of anxiety for our neurodivergent young adults. If it’s a space they haven’t been to, is it possible for them to go to the space before the event starts to just kind of see and map out, “Oh, that looks like a nice quiet place where I could duck into if I needed to.” Previewing is a very powerful strategy. Giving someone access to sensory strategies, too, if we know it’s going to be a busy event. “Perhaps you would like to bring along some headphones in case it gets loud, or use a safe word. If it’s starting to feel too overwhelming, having a buddy that you go with, you can tell them, “I need to take a break from this event right now.”
Those are all really powerful aspects to preview role play because it gives a lot of power and agency to the young adult, so they don’t just think they’re plopped into this situation without an exit. They believe they have the power to choose how they access this environment and that’s going to make it a lot more enjoyable for the individual.
Is it important to have that exit strategy in place before you even go to the event?
I would say so. A lot of us have an exit strategy regardless of if we’re neurodivergent or not. And for some of us, it may be a little bit easier to come up on the fly with an exit strategy of, “Oh, I need to feed my dog. It’s time to go.” But
for an individual that knows that they might need some extra space in the social situation, previewing that ability to say, “Hey, I am going to head out early,” or really empowering them to disclose, “I’m feeling overwhelmed. It’s a little bit too loud in here for me. I’m going to step out for a minute or I’m going to go in 15 minutes. I’ll see you back at the house.”
Disclosure is really powerful and really valid.
For more information, you can call 617-431-5400 or email us at: contact@mainstayliving.org
